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first love...

"love happens..."

well, unfortunately, it doesnt. shit happens, i'll tell you that, but not love. for a dork like me, it doesnt happen. even if it does, i dont think it is love. its merely lust from deep inside of your lustfull selves.

what is love? the eternal question that has yet to bear any answer.

love. love. love. it sounds so pure and real, that only the purest of heart can truly feel its greatness. unfortunately for me though, i had exploited the word love. i express 'love' orally to those whom i have no such feelings of. and thus, i felt that the word LOVE meant little to me.

even if i did express it to someone i know that i will truly care about and would probably live my whole life with, but love would still be, 'just another word' nonetheless. but what do i know? im just a 17 year old who is utterly brainless about the world (yea, people who got updated with politics and all scare me with all your knowledge) and absoloutely couldnt care less about other people. unless, i have something to do with them that is.

urggghh... i still cant believe even that after 3 years, i would still be thinking about 'Mr. Lawyer' (lets just call him that). its a sad truth really, considering the fact that he wouldnt think about me at all. but hopefully, he does. that'll be good. i miss having him being around me. i miss talking to him without sounding like a total dork.

i would still have this nervous feeling inside of me whenever i talk to him. even text messaging him was hard for me as i would always check my spelling and grammar countless times. i know, it sounds all weird and stuff, but its true.

i miss moments with him. i miss the old days where i would not be afraid to just say the wrong things and that, we would always have whatever reason to look at each other and smiled. i miss being in a big crowd, where the only thing i see was him and me, and that we were in our own little world. i missed having him to look at me in that oh-she's-so-pretty type of look and just smiled at me or wink at me.

i missed that feeling. i missed it soooooo much.

what i experienced with him in that one week was unbelievable. i want that magical feeling back. i guess, when i do think about it, i would say that i do miss him. but ultimately, i missed the feeling more.

the feeling of being

cared for.

i want that feeling again. and i hope that, when i do get it, i would sincerely have feelings for that person... i dont want to just be with someone just because i pitied him or maybe, wanting to experiment with situations. thats just plain stupid...

but whatever it is... things have passed. and eventhough how much i want him to be in my life again, i cant. he has moved on now. although how much i think about him and think about those memories and moments together, it came to me that, i, myself, have to move on.

but i guess, thats the power of First Love...

you can never forget them. never, ever...

3 mad rant(s):

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  1. thwen said...

    The thirst for love and knowledge... =)

    When one writes about politics, it doesn't mean that he/she particularly know the world well enough. It's subjective. Just my two cents, of course.  

  2. Anonymous said...

    WOW, vivid description. I don't know about love not existing and all of us mistaking love for lust but ur descriptions are vivid. Almost makes me want to fall in love. Nice, very nice post. really does get to you. Good job putting your emotions down..  

  3. Anonymous said...

    The word 'love' might meant a little to you but somehow it meant a lot to the person who loves you..That's what I've learn from my own experience..It's a poisonous word.  


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