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Dark moments

Current time: 0545 hours
Hours of sleep: 5 hours
Buddies awake: None
Current emotion: Unusually depressed
Current desire: My best buddies' company

Ladies and gentlemen, you can see that I am certainly not in my best of times. This is rather queer and quite a first-time experience for me to be having depression after a relapse from a previous depression.

My previous experience of depression (which was about two months ago) started off with the feel of loneliness. Ironically, this time, it wasn't loneliness that sparked off my depressed mood (how could I feel lonely when I have friends around in university, right? After all, I looked forward to university life so much after spending seven weeks of holidays at home), but rather my thoughts.

Thoughts? It is strange, I know, that mere thoughts can make one depressed, but lately I have not been able to control my thoughts. My mind keeps flashing about things in the past, things that have recently happened and what might happen in the future. Had my mind flashed about the good times I had, perhaps I would not have felt so bad. Today, as I stated earlier I slept for only five hours before deciding to write an entry here. Within the five hours, I woke up three times, with three similar flashes in my mind. In those flashes I saw myself alone, in utter silence and disbelief, shunned away by all whom I know.

Previously, prayers had always worked wonders to me whenever I feel down. I have always believed in the power of prayers but lately they have only been a temporary consolation for me. Am I falling? Is there unbelief in my heart?

Still, I'm thankful to God that during my moments of desperation, He sends some Good Samaritans to my side. Either Jared would just drop by my room and I could find comfort in him, or while walking aimlessly Joe would just appear before me and I would be able to seek refuge. My roommate, Brian, would ask about my condition and be concerned about me.

There are times when I felt that I could walk no more. There are times when I felt my whole world would just collapse right before me. Still, I try my best to stand steadfast, with unwavering faith.

Many things have happened lately to me, some are bitter moments which I think contributed to my predicament. Jared, Joe and some of my other friends would undoubtedly comprehend my condition (as I've told them about what had happened). Things are going rather too fast for me, and I can't seem to swallow everything at one go. Much as I like to take things slowly now, they accumulate fast. Still, I find great comfort in these words that Joe, Jared and some others offered:

  1. "Fill it with God's love."
  2. "Thanks for sharing with me!"
  3. "Be true to yourself and you will always have us to count on."
  4. "Amazing grace."
  5. "Are you OK?"

...and many more.

I have given myself enough time to make a come back. For now, I just want to lay back and try, again, to just let things be.

I certainly hope that things would turn out well again for me. I am sorry to have vented this personal matter here, but believe me, I really need to share with all of you.

Current time: 0645 hours
Current emotion: (as above)
Current desire: (as above)
Status: Peace out!

3 mad rant(s):

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  1. gungrave1988 said...

    Cheer up,Henry. If you have a problem, we can always talk about our problems. Don't let it get you down. You will get more depressed if you do so.So do cheer up. (^^)  

  2. Esther said...

    chillax= chill + relax

    sometimes, we can't exactly control our thoughts and while some thoughts bring us bitterness, it also make us realise what we should do to not feel that way again. to look into the future may be a good thing, but then again, not so. it depends about how positive you are and how long u can keep it that way.

    henry, i have faith in you. besides, you've got us. i may not understand u as much as jared, joe, and the rest but yeah, "we'll be there for you..." (you know the song?) whatever it is, hold on and don't let the strong wind blow u away....  

  3. Comrade Cripple said...

    Just cheer up ok.  


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