As my travels for this year came to an end, I reflected upon it and realised how much I actually long for home. For even though in many ways the pastures seem greener elsewhere, I couldn't help but eager to feel the warmth of my own bed rather than enjoying the lavishness that I enjoyed in Haikou and Guangzhou for nine days.
I figured that I couldn't sleep unless I write up this post. For some reason I am still very much energetic (although the bed seems so appealing; yes, I am home). As I write this post, for some reason my stomach fluttered and there is an empty feel in me. I was happy to be able to get things off my mind while travelling in China, and I'm equally happy to be back home. Yet, what is this melancholy that lingers at the edge of my eyes?
Never before have I felt so disconnected from my friends whom I have not been contacting.
Thankfully, it has been a rather enjoyable trip to China. This trip to Hainan Island and Guangzhou has indeed opened up my family's eyes. Various lessons have been learnt, especially when dealing with the Chinese people. Yes, although this sounds rather racist, believe me, we Malaysian Chinese are somehow far better than the Chinese in terms of ethics, humanity and many more. I will tell you more later.
As I landed at Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA), memories begin to flood my mind. I began forming a list of names whom I would contact upon my arrival. And sure enough, I gave them either a "missed call" or a short message or even both the moment I stepped into the terminal. Never before have I felt so disconnected from my friends whom I have not been contacting. Before I went to China, I have been trying my best to keep in touch with all my friends, both from university and from my school, either via MSN Messenger or even Friendster. I felt a sudden need to contact them, and I felt the same upon my arriving at KLIA.
It is also for this reason, I suppose, that I am so eager to write this post. Although I have stated in the chatbox that I am back, it seemed so insufficient.
My travels in China were just a temporary leave from my worries and my dilemmas. Now that I'm back home, I feel the days drawing closer for me to address all my problems once and for all. Soon enough, there will be at least one heart that I have to break by pouring out the truth, and that one heart is actually so tender and so dear to me that I feel so reluctant to do so. Yet, I shudder in terror to think of how even more badly shattered that heart would be if I delay matters.
There have been people whom I have not stopped thinking about while I was in China: my parents, my friends back at home, my friends in university, my one friend in Suzhou (China) and... a crush of mine.
There is a mixture of various emotions running in me: relief, joy, anguish, concern and so on. As I sign off now at 0530 hours, there is this one thing I look forward to.
My day of breaking that one heart. Very heartless of me, I know, but it's for the happiness of the future.