I suppose this post has been a long time coming. It's like a letter you wrote one hot dusty afternoon, only to stop at the postbox, then dump it into the trash can beside it. Somehow, no matter how long you think about what to say and how to say it, the words never come out right. But they say if flowers waited till everything was just perfect before they blossomed after the long winter, then we'd never see spring at all.

It's been a long time since we started RANDTS. A lot of things have happened since then. We've seen members come and go as well as visitors drop by and leave. We've even had controversy drop by once in awhile for the occasional cup of tea. And still we weathered it all.

By this time, you might be wondering, "What's this guy comin' back all of a sudden? It's not like he cares about the blog anyways..."

That's true. If I'd cared I'd have been posting frequently. Trying to fan the flame even as our heads were repeatedly dunked into buckets of cold water. I'd have been there in RANDTS' darkest hour trying alongside you guys to keep the passion going, keep the momentum up.

But the hard fact is I didn't, did I?

It's like waking up from a bad dream only to see the mask of a killer you thought you'd never see again. The glint of the jagged blade in the darkness, your scarlet blood upon the sheets and the knife. You clutch your belly to find your guts were ripped out while you were in the nightmare. As your life force ebbs away and you fade painfully into oblivion, the killer - mockingly, haughtily, dishearteningly - removes his mask. Then you realize all this while you've been afraid of your own reflection in the mirror. Was I the person who stabbed myself in the back, unknowingly?

What prompted me to write this post? Perhaps the amount of resentment, sadness - disappointment? - that is now plain for all to see on the blog. Even the message on the bulletin board below the ever-changing banner seems like a mockery of the shadow RANDTS has become. But no, that still wasn't what hurt me the most.

It was a friend that I know. Or knew, depending on who you asked. A close friend. A good friend. Many months ago he inspired me, and many others, with a heart-warming tale of triumph in adversity of the worst kind. He shared with us a cheerful optimism that many others in his situation would be hard-pressed to display. He reminded us of the brittle fragility of life, and how each moment we take a breath is a moment to be savored as if it was our last. He told us the tough get going when the going gets tough. He shared with us the power of faith and love and family, and how these continue to be his pillars in life, providing him with the strength to pull through a life most others wouldn't consider worth living.

I saw him as a God, a hero, a true man among men. He inspired me, as he has undoubtedly inspired many others. I was touched by his sheer willpower and spirit, and looked to him as a guiding light when the world is descending into darkness.

It was only recently that I saw my hero give up hope. Not because he was at death's doorstep. Not because he suffered the loss of a family member. But because I failed to commit to the vision that I and two others had created. He gave up because I did too.

How else do you convey emotions in an email? Electrons cannot show you shed tears or distant laughter. Electrons moving at lightspeed don't know the meaning of a smile in a group photo, or the hidden jokes associated with the size of the blade you hold. Electrons shooting around the world and back can only do so much to send a message, but it is memories that do the rest of the work.

Mea culpa.

For awhile I held hands and rubbed shoulders with some of the most vibrant and unique people in the world. For awhile we traded inane stories, sexy pictures, lengthy essays, fiery rants, perfect pictures, informative articles, and so many more things. For awhile I was proud to call myself a RANDTSter...

...and honestly? I still am.

Perhaps it is time we gave this blog a little peace and quiet while we start looking in ourselves and seriously ask what it is we really want out of RANDTS.

Now, I think I know what I want. Maybe not a 100%, but even an inkling's good enough. I seriously have no idea what kind of response I can expect to this post. Regardless, the burden is mine to bear. It was my fault, and for that I apologize. I'm sorry I left in your hour of need. I'm sorry I shirked my responsibilities as founding father of RANDTS. I'm sorry I ignored the blog for so long.

But most of all, to all of you here who've been here with RANDTS and I from the start - especially Albert and Jaspreet - I'm sorry for hurting you, and for that I seek your forgiveness .

Lastly, I have this to say: call me idealistic, but even after the coldest darkest winter, flowers still break through the frost and blossom into majestic beauty, heralding the beginning of spring. I'm here hoping winter ends soon... and that spring will come with the dawn of the new sun. I'm ready to rebuild the ruins of RANDTS and start anew. After all, that's what spring is about, isn't it - nature getting a brand new start?

Thank you one and all.

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All right! Now with about half of my problems resolved, I'm quite ready to write again.

I'm afraid that this post will not be very pleasing to many of our RANDTSters here. As you may notice, I feel that I am beginning to lose the passion to blog here. Why? Pardon me for being straightforward here, but I feel that a lot of us are beginning to lose the passion that we initially had.

Has the spirit of "RANDTS-ing" begun to decline? What has happened to the initiative that we have pledged to this group blog in the first place?

Personally, I feel that RANDTS is not living up to its name anymore. In fact, this already seems to be the falling era of RANDTS. We have started this blog for hardly a quarter of a year, and it is already diminishing gradually?

We have Comrade "General" Cripple Albert to thank for keeping this blog "busy" and "filled". 92 posts from him! He puts a long-term blogger like me to shame! I have been blogging for more than two years now and I've written approximately 260 posts in total (including posts in my personal blogs). At the rate our Comrade is going, he would be exceeding my total number of posts in no time at all!

That's not to say that I don't appreciate your posts in this blog. Every post in this blog counts. It's just that I wish to see those who are in "dormant" mode would be active again and start writing here. You have been welcomed in this blog because we would like to see what you have in store for us! We want to learn from the rest of you, too! We want to know more about you through your writing!

I understand perfectly well that at times like this, we will be busy with assignments, examinations, quizzes, activities and the like. But do remember this blog, and the share that you have.

Jared, Joe and I looked forward to seeing this blog grow when we first started it. It did, initially, but now it certainly needs a boost.

Finding it hard to find a topic to write on? Well, that is because a lot of us don't have a specific topic to write on. If you do, for instance, like my roommate Gungrave1988 (aka Brian) who writes anime and movie reviews, then you will know what is there for you to write on.

This blog may not have a common writing theme, but it is through our diversity of thoughts that we are able to keep each other updated on a lot of things, thus enhancing our knowledge. We do not want to impose a certain theme because that would confine our scope of writing very much.

All I ask from all of you, dear RANDTSters, is that you do not forget this blog, that you are part of the RANDTS family. This blog has more than 15 members, not just the active five or six.

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These two blog posts on Lim Kit Siang's blog and Disquiet really makes my blood boil. Please click on the links and read them. Here we have Selangor Religious Department (Jais) officers forcibly tearing apart a family because the mother was found to be a Muslim due to her adopted parents' religion. The father,P Marimuthu was told that his five children must be placed in a rehabilitation centre. He now has been separated from his family for two weeks.

This is a gross violation of our rights under the Constitution! Islam cannot be forced on non-Muslims. Voice your condemnation to the government for this unjust act. Call for the government to reunite Marimuthu's family. Stop Talibanisation!

~multum in parvo~

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Our country isn't doing enough for disabled people. We lack in many benefits for the disabled. Malaysia may give their disabled citizens help but it's not enough. Here's what we need.

1. We need disability pensions.
2. We need a carer allowances (for we crippled ones).
3. We need disabled friendly transportation. If São Paulo, Brazil could do it so can we!
4. We need special scholarships for disabled students to pursue higher education.
5. We need red tape to be cut when applying for benefits.
6. We need Welfare officers to help us register as disabled people and obtain benefits by meeting us in a disabled friendly place. Our homes are the best since there is no way for some of us to go to the welfare office because of lack of transportation. Not everybody is lucky enough to possess our own transportation.

We need changes to our current benefits too.

1. All disabled students must be given our RM 300 allowance regardless of where we study.
2. Tax cuts must be fast-tracked for parents with disabled children and disabled people should not be taxed..
3. We need old buildings to be made to accommodate disabled people too.
4. We need free public transportation.
5. We need a total waiver of vehicle taxes through a simple process.
6. We need free medical treatment with no conditions except seeking treatment in government run hospitals.
7. We need housing benefits in the form of allowances and subsidies everywhere.

I would to see all the above in the next few years. For more information on disability benefits click here (in Bahasa Melayu).

~multum in parvo~

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