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As I Lay My Eyes

As I lay my eyes on the wok filled with food, I remembered the times when I had to carry it outside to feed both my pet dog Jenna and stray dogs, which often had to share a small portion of rice among themselves. Even though they're pretty much domesticated, their survival instincts normally kicked in when there isn't sufficient food to go around, and when they do fight for it, it isn't such a nice sight.

It was one of days during the SPM exam season, and naturally, I slept either too late or too early. I had to cram in as much facts and points as I could, and drinking caffeine wasn't such a favourable decision. I was memorising a passage from my notebook when I heard dogs fighting outside- ferocious barks and sharp whimpers pierced the heavy midnight air.

I rushed to my room window and ripped the curtains open just in time to see a dominant male rip a part of a female's shoulder. The female struggled to get up as other dogs barked protectively over her. Is this a part of the animal kingdom? What would I do if I'm a dog faced in such a situation? I wouldn't know, would I? But isn't this almost similar in the our world, the world of humans? Where we rip each other apart for the sake of pride and greed?

As I lay my eyes on the poor puppy grasping for air, I knew that the world isn't the most beautiful place to live in. But where else could I be living then? Heaven? Hell? I wouldn't know, would I? I have no eyes to see the future, no strength to change the past. I couldn't do anything but gaze with sympathy, tears held from flowing, while the little pup laid still and motionless on the road, the very last seconds of its life trickling to an end.

It's unbelievable that less than 12 hours before, this same little pup with its round belly, and innocent eyes, was stealing some food from my pet's food bowl. It's even unbelievable that less than a month before, this same little pup with its round belly, and innocent eyes, was a mere newborn, with its eyes shut closed and legs that wobble while it attempted to walk.

As I lay my eyes on the large mound of soil, I knew that every cycle start with a beginning and ends with a end. If neither occur, this wouldn't be life, would it? Life is also, after all, a cycle, isn't it? However, I would never understand why some things, some people just had to go. The puppy was innocent. It stole food because it was her instincts to survive. It ran around the few houses in the neighbourhood because she was familiar with it.

But why must a car knock the living days out of her? She wasn't bleeding when I saw her, no, no, she wasn't. She was bleeding internally-her organs must had fail after the impact. Why, oh why? Is this really the time for her to leave this place? I don't think its the time, but what can I do about it? Weep blood for her to live again?

Today, at about 2 in the afternoon, my favourite puppy passed away with its eyes slightly open. She wasn't my puppy, as she was never adopted, but the affection and love for her was enough for me to consider her as mine. Her mother and sister seemed fine- they still continued to squeeze through my gate and have their daily meal. Is this the way things are? Again, I don't think things should be this way...

Maybe I'm still living in denial after all these years... And even if I am, what can I do about it? Starve for those who have no food to eat? Help all the unfortunate people in the world? Heh, I don't even know. My mind's a muddle, my heart's a wreck!

P.S. On a better note, the incident left me with more appreciation for what I have, and yet, I still feel like everything contradicts. I'm not devastated, I'm just not alright.

Oh, do ignore all the grammatical errors present in this post.

8 mad rant(s):

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  1. gungrave1988 said...

    I wish my condolences for your puppy. I never had a pet so I guess I wouldn't really understand your feeling. It's sad to see things like death around you. Sometimes you wish you could do something but in the end, you just can't think of anything.

    Your situation sort of reminded me of a situation I once had. There was a cat who gave birth at my house. My parents didn't really mind because usually the kittens will leave once the are big enough. My parents warned me not to get attach to anyone of the kittens but I wouldn't listen.

    There were about four kitten if I was not mistaken. I was particularly fond of an orange one which I always looked out for. One day, I noticed that the mother ignored the orange kitten. I felt weird & that's when I noticed the kitten was dead. My parents said that it probably died of disease as it's stomach was a little bloated. So I buried it with a heavy heart & felt really useless as I could do anything to save it.

    There was another time where I was crossing a bridge & I noticed a kitten lying in a pool of mud under the bridge. It was covered in mud but it was struggling to survive. I wanted to help it but it was impossible to get down the bridge as it was very high. I told my parents but they said I should ignore it. I was sort of surprised by what my parents said. Shouldn't every life be important? Before I could even say a word, it started to rain heavily. To my horror I noticed the water level was rising & I could no longer see the kitten any more. Out of sight, out of mind some say. So I walked away wondering if I just tried to save the kitten, would I make a difference? Did the kitten had to suffer such a fate? I hope that somewhere the kitten is still alive & well...  

  2. thwen said...

    *sighs* Being helpless isn't such a nice thing after all, but when we could have helped, did we?

    I guess this is how things are. There's always a beginning and an end- it just depends on the question 'When', followed by 'How'... And sometimes, the question 'Why' is never answered.

    Thanks for the kind words, Brian. Just like everything else, being attached to something has its pros and cons... =)  

  3. gungrave1988 said...

    No problem. It was great that you posted this. It sort of reminded me about how I use to feel when I had situations like that. You made me realize what I've forgotten a long time ago. I should be thanking you. (^__^)  

  4. thwen said...

    *laughs* Let's thank each other then...

    You now, the word 'nostalgia' itself is 'nostalgic', haha!  

  5. gungrave1988 said...

    That's it!!! That was the word I was looking for. Nostalgic! I was trying to mean that. Let's thank each other then & hope that one day, maybe somehow, our problems will be solved & we can continue our journey in life without any regrets.... ("_)  

  6. thwen said...

    Woah, if everything's gonna get so good, life won't be life, and we'll end up being zombies! Without its ups and downs, we are not what we are today. Even though 'that' (I mean the bad aspects) might not be what we look forward to, but I guess it's how things are...

    "Regrets, I've had a few,
    but then again,
    too few to remember..."

    *laughs* I quote the song 'My Way'!
    Love singing the song with my 'manly' voice, haha!  

  7. gungrave1988 said...

    True. We'll be like zombies or immortals. But that is what everyone hopes for. A live free of regrets & suffering. A hope that is as good as dead since life is not life without its ups & downs. Even right now, I have a few regrets. "Sigh" Always wished I could go back in time & change the choices I've made in my life. Maybe if I changed what I choose in the past, my future will be somehow better.That's what I always thought...Hahaha

    But in the end, it's just a dream. Just a dream....  

  8. thwen said...

    Well, the idea of going back in time to erase our past actions is nonetheless very tempting. We can omit errors to avoid regrets, change things the way we wanted it to be, etc. etc.

    But yeah, if we do go back in time, and change our past, the present wouldn't be the same, and so won't the future. Maybe you would be changing something good to bad, or bad to good, but then again, how certain are you that it would benefit you somehow? What if things get worse?

    We wouldn't know. Destiny lies in front of us, all around us, and sometimes, fate seals it. Sometimes, it's us who takes the wheel and drive... =)

    Dreams. I had plenty of weird dreams lately, and somehow, I can't remember them that well after I put on my spectacles. *laughs*  


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